it's pretty easy to wonder why it's been relatively easy to be apart from the person i was intending to marry. i can't really give an answer. i want to believe it's because i'm a strong woman who knows that what she is doing is right. but, that's definitely not it. it could be my personality, as if i'm not capable of actually getting close enough to someone. i think there was always doubt, i think i wanted to believe i loved him and he was the one. but, that's obviously not it. it could be because it was my decision to leave him, but it was not easy. i held on for way too long.

i think it is related to the person that i am, that maybe i am incapable of getting close enough to someone. i've spent my whole life going from friend to friend and never looking back. since kara left ten years ago, i've never had a friend last more then three years. i move on easily. it wasn't that easy to move on from jim when he was around, but now that i don't see him it's been quite easy. but what still baffles me is that he can say the meanest things to me and i hardly flinch anymore.

from all of this i wonder whether i am capable of being in love. my god, jim was my perfect man. he's smart, funny, reliable, trustworthy, attractive, and any other perfect traits you could imagine for a person. was it not enough? am i that shallow? i don't think so. there were things about him that just couldn't work with my personality. i'm a dreamer and he never appreciated that. i have lofty plans for my life but he was already prepared to settle. he's not even 23 yet and wanted a house and a dog and a white picket fence and a woman to come home to who would cook him dinner. that's not me. i'm sure that there are many women out there dying for that lifestyle. his mother considers me selfish for not wanting that.

how is it selfish of me to understand that there are so many possibilities in this world, so many things to experience, and so many cultures that can influence me? i would feel like my life was worthless if i just stuck around here cooking dinner. i saw my life with him as sterile. there was nothing to be gained. i cant life that life, it's not who i am. maybe my dreams are lofty, and maybe they are just dreams and i won't actually achieve any of them, but i can't live knowing that someone doesn't support me anyways.

i only find support from those who don't know me. maybe that's my downfall. that those who know me don't believe me. when those closest to me convince me to stick around and that my dreams are unreasonable, i will. which is why i'm not driving to colorado today. i should be. instead, i have a job sitting at a desk answering telephones. god. the only thing that is remotely decent about this job is that i'll make plenty of money. hopefully too much money to spend so i can save some up and leave this place in a year. december of next year, i won't be here.

i can't say where i'll be, because being a dreamer, you're used to changing plans constantly. at least i'm comfortable with that. maybe i'll end up in colorado. maybe i'll end up overseas. that is my goal right now. i don't plan on living anywhere for a long time, because there are so many places to be. i think teaching english is probably the best job if i want to move around a lot. maybe i'll find a place that will really hold my interest and i'll stick around. we shall see...