as an outlet.

i don't know why, but lately i've been thinking a lot about jim. maybe because i'm feeling less interested in morgan and josh. i just really wish we could be friends, and i think the reason is because that's all i've seen him as. i always liked him around, but i wasnt interested in having anything more with him, which is what i still want and what he can't handle.

of course i'm happy that he's having a party at his new fancy house. it does bother me that lauren is going, but she'll always do whatever she wants not thinking of the consequences to others. it bothers me that i've been thinking about him, and i was so thankful at work today to finally do something so that i didn't have time to think.

i obviously go in waves. where sometimes i am so happy to be away from my previous life, and the other times when it kills me cause i know exactly what i'm missing. i just have to get through this part for once without talking to him. i think this is a giant mountain i have to climb, but i think it will be worth it once i reach the peak.

i'm so excited about tomorrow night and i really feel like it can be the final descent. hopefully everything goes as planned and i get to skate tomorrow night and really have a great time. things like these distract me from what is going on in my head.

of course i completely regret not being in colorado, because clearly it would have been easier. sometimes i think i need to un-friend everyone on facebook from that group because i can't look at their shit anymore.

clearly i'm a friend worth losing.

someday i'll find people who don't feel that way.