well yea, of course I like him. that's obvious in the way I act when he's around. But, it's also obvious in the way I am right now. I couldn't bring myself to go to work today because I knew I would be more of a hindrance than a help.

I told myself after Jim I would never be in another relationship. If it had ended differently what would I have thought then? If it hadn't of been so horrible, would I say the same thing? I think if it had ended prior to us deciding to get married I wouldn't feel like some sort of psychopath who believed she was in love because it was what I was supposed feel. I wasn't actually in love with him, no matter how many times I said I was. I was happy, I was content and comfortable, but not in love. I think some of the reason I don't want another relationship is because I can't believe that if I wasn't in love with Jim then how could I love anyone else?

Maybe he wasn't as perfect as I thought. Clearly not, or I wouldn't have this horrible anxiety disorder. He was so verbally abusive to me in the end I'm really surprised that I made it through. I had never felt so ugly and so unworthy of life.

Now, if it had ended differently, maybe I would have been okay with the friendship that went on between me and Marcus. He was in the same boat as I was, recently separated from the person he thought he was going to marry. He wasn't interested in a relationship either, maybe I was just something to take his mind off her. Well, I worked, but obviously too well. I became a rock climber and he became a snowboarder, and soon we were infected by each other. He taught me how to play disc golf and I taught him the rules of roller derby. I rode my first motorcycle with him. He told me I was beautiful. He said he brags about me. I do the same.

I feel as if this really is a breakup, even though it's not. We aren't going to stop hanging out and being friends. He hasn't found a girl to date because all the girls he meets are my friends - and most have been lesbians.

I'm still trying to piece together how I feel. I know, like the rest of my life decisions, everything is always up for changing. I say a lot, and I mean a lot, but it doesn't always become the truth. I said I never want to be married or be in a relationship or have children, but why do I feel so strongly about not losing Marcus? Maybe I'm just not ready to let him go, or maybe he makes me happy enough that I could see a future. I can't believe anything, because everything changes. I don't want to be sentimental in thinking how I feel about him now is how I'll feel about him always. But I've never felt this way about another friend with benefits, and it's been similar situations. There is definitely something different about Marcus, something I still can't place. But for me to be this emotional (with no anxiety, which would surface if I felt like I would be alone again), there must be something more underneath. The way my body always knew I wasn't in love with Jim, it just took a while for it to connect to my head. I would really love to figure this all out.

happy birthday jim.

god this is so weird.

it's not like we had some sort of ritual, or that i feel like i'm a horrible person any more today than i do any other day.

i think that if we were in each other's situation, i would want to know that i remembered...

but, i also know that if he said anything to me it would ruin my day. and who wants a birthday to be ruined.

i think i might send him an email at midnight and ruin saturday instead.

of course the way i work i'm sure he'll tell me that it was ruined because i DIDN'T say anything.

bastard.

as an outlet.

i don't know why, but lately i've been thinking a lot about jim. maybe because i'm feeling less interested in morgan and josh. i just really wish we could be friends, and i think the reason is because that's all i've seen him as. i always liked him around, but i wasnt interested in having anything more with him, which is what i still want and what he can't handle.

of course i'm happy that he's having a party at his new fancy house. it does bother me that lauren is going, but she'll always do whatever she wants not thinking of the consequences to others. it bothers me that i've been thinking about him, and i was so thankful at work today to finally do something so that i didn't have time to think.

i obviously go in waves. where sometimes i am so happy to be away from my previous life, and the other times when it kills me cause i know exactly what i'm missing. i just have to get through this part for once without talking to him. i think this is a giant mountain i have to climb, but i think it will be worth it once i reach the peak.

i'm so excited about tomorrow night and i really feel like it can be the final descent. hopefully everything goes as planned and i get to skate tomorrow night and really have a great time. things like these distract me from what is going on in my head.

of course i completely regret not being in colorado, because clearly it would have been easier. sometimes i think i need to un-friend everyone on facebook from that group because i can't look at their shit anymore.

clearly i'm a friend worth losing.

someday i'll find people who don't feel that way.

it's pretty easy to wonder why it's been relatively easy to be apart from the person i was intending to marry. i can't really give an answer. i want to believe it's because i'm a strong woman who knows that what she is doing is right. but, that's definitely not it. it could be my personality, as if i'm not capable of actually getting close enough to someone. i think there was always doubt, i think i wanted to believe i loved him and he was the one. but, that's obviously not it. it could be because it was my decision to leave him, but it was not easy. i held on for way too long.

i think it is related to the person that i am, that maybe i am incapable of getting close enough to someone. i've spent my whole life going from friend to friend and never looking back. since kara left ten years ago, i've never had a friend last more then three years. i move on easily. it wasn't that easy to move on from jim when he was around, but now that i don't see him it's been quite easy. but what still baffles me is that he can say the meanest things to me and i hardly flinch anymore.

from all of this i wonder whether i am capable of being in love. my god, jim was my perfect man. he's smart, funny, reliable, trustworthy, attractive, and any other perfect traits you could imagine for a person. was it not enough? am i that shallow? i don't think so. there were things about him that just couldn't work with my personality. i'm a dreamer and he never appreciated that. i have lofty plans for my life but he was already prepared to settle. he's not even 23 yet and wanted a house and a dog and a white picket fence and a woman to come home to who would cook him dinner. that's not me. i'm sure that there are many women out there dying for that lifestyle. his mother considers me selfish for not wanting that.

how is it selfish of me to understand that there are so many possibilities in this world, so many things to experience, and so many cultures that can influence me? i would feel like my life was worthless if i just stuck around here cooking dinner. i saw my life with him as sterile. there was nothing to be gained. i cant life that life, it's not who i am. maybe my dreams are lofty, and maybe they are just dreams and i won't actually achieve any of them, but i can't live knowing that someone doesn't support me anyways.

i only find support from those who don't know me. maybe that's my downfall. that those who know me don't believe me. when those closest to me convince me to stick around and that my dreams are unreasonable, i will. which is why i'm not driving to colorado today. i should be. instead, i have a job sitting at a desk answering telephones. god. the only thing that is remotely decent about this job is that i'll make plenty of money. hopefully too much money to spend so i can save some up and leave this place in a year. december of next year, i won't be here.

i can't say where i'll be, because being a dreamer, you're used to changing plans constantly. at least i'm comfortable with that. maybe i'll end up in colorado. maybe i'll end up overseas. that is my goal right now. i don't plan on living anywhere for a long time, because there are so many places to be. i think teaching english is probably the best job if i want to move around a lot. maybe i'll find a place that will really hold my interest and i'll stick around. we shall see...

I'm not a writer, but I've been feeling compelled to write. People admit that when something happens that totally sucks their life couldn't get any worse. I suppose I'm on that boat - and I suppose we all think it's sinking.